i never really thought
until everytime he stares me down
and i feel helpless and full of fury.
i recall sharp pain
and bloodclots the size of quarters.
this was our fate; he decided.
and so i lie and lie and try to hold back
those harsh thoughts that ruin my love
my touch, my attempt to climb back to grace.
I gave the stars up, for fear that the sky
would feel too crowded.
what a fool, I am
with a beating heart that beats too fast
and pains that bring me to tears.
My body is angry
my body is rejecting me
it's screaming at me to just fucking rest
and still I push forward
trying to get past those few dark weeks
that everything seemed to just changed.
It's hard to tell enemies apart from friends
when i cannot even befriend myself.
You would have pushed me farther
into something I am too young to understand
you would have pushed me into isolated fury and effort and tears
but to think of the giggles
and the smiles
and oh, the spontaneous moments of joy.
I hear the laughter of babies in the next room over
and I feel myself break down a little bit more
every single time.
But I keep pushing forward and beyond those petty thoughts
and keep my tears to myself
no one wants to hear the story of another woman lost.

Mortician

I hear the low moan
Of your silence
Stretching across the phone
and turning into something
of such longing
That only our hearts can explain.
In this car there is tension
As our words slip down our throats
and we swallow and choke
On what we wanted to remain.
Lingering in the air is
The essence of circumstance
and I am the mortician
Preparing the dead for show.
They say she died of canniablism
Some say it was just good old rape
All I know is when she came in here
She only had half her brain.
And she was dizzy and scalped
And asked me what time it was
And i was busy and couldn't help
Much like I always was.
So we let the music fill in the blanks
As we got lost on endless roads
That were in a town stuck
Somewhere between now and then.
The sky was empty and fatigue
And silence was filling up my head.
My heart was a forest
And I struggled to see past the trees
I thought about him, I thought about you
And just what this life is intended to mean.

Cotton Candy Truth.

Treat me like a stranger
with eyes so new and bright
you can almost see joy.
Pretend my shadows
no longer hide the sun
and you can turn crispy
brown from the texture
of the rays.
Lie not, my love
for the sky is made of
cotton candy and sugar
coated clouds that dissolve
and stick to the roof of our mouths.
Betrayal runs deeper
then the color green on this table
wearing shades to hide your
own false refelction.
And I am sorry I replaced
chips with your foggy hope.
I guess i won't bet so high
Next time
We decide to play these games.
Treat me like a stranger
Whose soles bare no holes
and tell me you're a gambler
as we grow 1o feet tall.

from the heart

You dont love me
You love what I can give you.
Self consumed and indulgent
Making excuses for what you do.
And no one can love you
The way I always have
and you mumble the same phrases
as I become your past.
And its so circumstantial
But i cannot live this way
and it's all so ridiculous
the games we have to play.
Too vulnerable
Too self consumed
I am too scared of you
and the damage you can do.
And I gave you that opportunity
once before
and you ripped my heart out
and watched me decay into the floor
and you are so disappointing
telling me I am not here
and you are so blind
to the fact that I am bare.
So if its freedom y ou want
don't have it on my watch
Dont waste my time
with your poetic taunts
for i am in love with you
and it has sucked me dry
for i am in love with you
but you won't ever be mine.
And you'll try to claim me
yeah, you'll call me all yours
and you'll try to shame me
yeah, and you'll make me the whore.
And i am sick of playing
the doormat for your feet
I am sick of feeling unimportant
beaten down and weak.
And I am a human
before I am a slave
And I am an emotion
before I am a wage.
So lock me in your heart
free your mind
and set this apart..
That I deserve more
then this circumstantial love
I don't have it in me to tolerate your shove.
I am worn down
I am tired
I am weak
I am sorry
I am sick
And I cannot speak.
My voice is sore
and my bones are too
You said you loved me
But the only one you love
is you.

Shame.

Confidence leaves the room
as I watch you speak In silence.
It's a shame you won't talk to me
It's a shame it turned to violence.

And the lines on my face
Tell a story of forgiveness
How long as it been since
I awoke to your kiss?

And I spilt a bottle of
Liquid hypocrisy
On our unreformed pages
And I watched the ink spread
And I started to miss it.

Every morning is cold
And this guilt holds
No boundries when it comes
to you.

I shuffle through the pages
Of broken rambles
And all of our promises have gone
Down in shambles.

it's a shame you won't talk to me
As you stare in my direction
A crying shame that we can't speak
Of what was mentioned.

And baby you know
I could have loved you
If i knew what that was
And baby you know I could
Have kept you
If I didn't act so tough.

And so we sit in shame
As we angerly place the blame
Because the truth will always
Remain
That our hearts were once tamed.
Baby, It's a fucking shame
That our hearts ache just the same.

Statisticly Rearranged.

Conversation is killing time
Pennie for your thoughts
Love over wine.
Drunk off of plenty
Angry with the rest
Circumstance after circumstance
And still this is my best.
The rearranged sky
Speaks in rythm and rhyme.
Falters to our ego
Crashes before our eyes.
Speak to me suddenly
But not loud enough for
Them to hear.
Speak to me quickly
But not so quick That
Your words become bare.
A piece of you is plaid
Stranded on my bare skin
A piece of me is melting
And starting to sink in.
Regret and repress
The images that remind me
Of your distaste
This time last year
There was a dream with your face.
This is satisfaction you tell me
As you wipe the smile off your face.
Now The silence in our words
Doesn't seem so strange.
Misplaced & discontent
The rest is all saved
Right by my bed
Not a day goes by that it
Doesn't feel rearranged.
Comfort over access
Time over hearts
Laughter over love
This is where we fall apart.
Speak to me softly
But not so soft I can't hear
Speak to me calmly
But not as if you don't care.

Embrace.

brithday hug demons that eat me alive. a tear a cry a sudden departure from fantasy. reality creeps lurks finds a way into the creases of my soul. the past dug up from the ground cemetary eyes light up my dying skies. a spear a lie a moment a cry. a story a song a goodbye. discomfort embrace chase run turn cry sigh try lie find a reason to walk away. silence noise dribble dribble dribble. scrap paper notebook remember this date forever. excitment fire hats pen ink hands. photos smiles warmth bed movie lake. geese. birds. cabins by the storm. birthday blues hung up to dry. flowers brusies restrained lets lie some more. tree cheese driftwood willow. puppy kittie black and white too good to be true. this is it you love someone else. lies and lies and lies and lies and fucking lies. to myself by myself for myself carrying a cross that looks nothing like salvation. suffer revel decide. destruction lost pieces falter fail read my mind read my eyes. touch comfort discomfort. discomfort. discomfort. slow declin mealt down break down tell me the truth. love me love her love you. babble babble babble. bitch slut whore. anger crazy laughter humor life art light dark side notes on the tip of my tongue. commone interest a passion. lasting leaving running crashing trying helping no one is here. empty empty empty. echo hallway cinderella master claim heart prince charming. a cardboard box made of finger nails. stratching against the slate this is what we have made. wanting asking nothing is recieved. melt down breakdown cry. cry. cry. cry. try. run. lake. geese. comfort. discomfort. go away. screams. screams. screams. the decline. submissive. submission. suffer love circumstance love pain suffer tragic being human warmth touch kindness truth. truth. truth. truth. boundries. limits. heart up for sale. selling souls drinking truth out of paper cups. love me love her love you love no one love us love it love the feeling of being loved. lasting child innoncent use me love me teach me show me treat me good. tingles shakes ground is alive outside the sky lurks. creeps. strides. breathes. sorrow. regret. enbrace me. Please just embrace me.