i never really thought
until everytime he stares me down
and i feel helpless and full of fury.
i recall sharp pain
and bloodclots the size of quarters.
this was our fate; he decided.
and so i lie and lie and try to hold back
those harsh thoughts that ruin my love
my touch, my attempt to climb back to grace.
I gave the stars up, for fear that the sky
would feel too crowded.
what a fool, I am
with a beating heart that beats too fast
and pains that bring me to tears.
My body is angry
my body is rejecting me
it's screaming at me to just fucking rest
and still I push forward
trying to get past those few dark weeks
that everything seemed to just changed.
It's hard to tell enemies apart from friends
when i cannot even befriend myself.
You would have pushed me farther
into something I am too young to understand
you would have pushed me into isolated fury and effort and tears
but to think of the giggles
and the smiles
and oh, the spontaneous moments of joy.
I hear the laughter of babies in the next room over
and I feel myself break down a little bit more
every single time.
But I keep pushing forward and beyond those petty thoughts
and keep my tears to myself
no one wants to hear the story of another woman lost.
